I’m a coward pretending to be brave. I’m a storm pretending to be quiet. Hiding by turning my cowardliness into anger. And turning anger into rules. rules of what’s right for others, what’s right for you and what’s right for me.
I get anxious before I speak. Freeze when I’m trying to explain. Stumbling over words, stepping on hearts and souls. Acting so courageous, being so afraid.
It’s not easy to get up if you never learned how to stand. It’s not easy to find your way if you don’t know where to go. And I zigzag my true calling because I fear it will make too much noise. To loud. Like a waterfall. Like flood sweeping all the things I know on its way. And I fear being naked. I fear the jump. Afraid of falling. Afraid of the unknown.
Everyday I hear the hymns. Everyday I feel the roots of my tribe trying to help me stand tall. Everyday I hear God knocking. Asking. Wondering. If I am ready? If I am there yet?
If I am brave enough?
But I’m a coward. Because she’s overwhelming. Her voice takes my breathe away and I can’t move. I try to speak, but I crumble with every word. I try to answer, but my prayers can’t be heard. They just get lost as thoughts I dare not say.
I reach as far as I can through the bars of my own gate, but she slips through my fingers. And from afar I can hear all the greedy vultures coming after her. The ones who try to own her. The ones who try to make her theirs. The ones who I’ve been cowardly hiding from. The ones who speak like everybody is listening.
And it has to stop.
My time is short and my place is sacred. I can not be afraid anymore. I will not. If there’s noise, let it be as loud as possible. If there’s a flood, let the water come deep. If I am naked, let the truth be my clothing. And if I fall, let it be into her arms.
I’m not going to be silent. I’m not going to hide. And I’m not going to let them steel my God away from me. Not this time. No more.
I’m only blind if I refuse to see. I’m only deaf if I pretend I can’t hear. All of my fears are mine to carry and I’m only a coward if I let them stand in my way. Because a brave man is still afraid. That’s what makes him brave.